SUGGESTED GUIDELINES FOR PARENTS DURING DISSOLUTION PROCEEDINGS
Your children will be okay after the dissolution of marriage if both parents eliminate conflict. Continuing conflict destroys the children’s present and future lives. Do what you need to do to eliminate such conflict.
This requires that you show that you love your children more than you hate, distrust, or do not respect your spouse.
Before the following suggested guidelines can be effective, you and your spouse need to evaluate your communication. Many times, one of the reasons a marriage breaks up is because of an inability to communicate and come to a mutual satisfactory agreement. These skills can be learned, developed, and planned with professionals trained to assist. If communication is a problem, foremost is to concentrate on developing a communication plan. This will prevent, minimize, misunderstandings and hostilities.
The following suggestions are made to help you and your children in this time of psychological and emotional stress:
1.Think first of your children’s present and future emotional and mental well-being before acting. This will be difficult, because of your own feelings, needs and emotions. Get the help of psychological professionals for yourself.
2.While you are with the children, concentrate on parenting. Maintain your own composure and emotional balance as much as possible and in talking to yourself, verbally and in your thoughts. Laugh when you can and try to keep a sense of humor. What your children see in your attitude is to some measure reflected in theirs.
3.Keep the other parent informed and involved in the children’s lives. E-mail and fax information daily. Leave adjectives out of the messages. Just the facts. If the children say the other parent said something, report this in the message without editorial. It may be that this will precipitate recognition of a need to seek professional advice.
4.Give the other parent copies of all notices and make all appointments when the other parent can attend. The child has two parents. It may be that the other parent never wanted this information before and wants it now. Do not analyze the reasons; ask about it at our next conference. Whether or not the other parent ever attends, keep giving notices and make all appointments when the other parent can attend. Ask about this at our next conference.
5.Keep a pad and pencil and a manila envelope near the refrigerator. If the child comes with or has information or has an accomplishment, however small, tell the child that you and the child are going to write it down immediately, date and time, so that all can remember to tell the other parent. This shows the child that you respect the other parent. It is okay to include and involve the other parent in the child’s life. This is in the best interests of the minor child. You can put copies of notices in this envelope as well as copies of some schoolwork and artwork for the child to take to the other parent. Make this practice reciprocal; it should not include messages between parents or money exchange — nothing to cause stress or difficulty for the child.
6.Set aside time to mourn and be sad each day, after the children are asleep or not at home. Keep your composure around the children at all times.
7.Allow yourself and your children time for readjustment. Convalescence from an emotional operation, such as dissolution of marriage, is essential.
8.Remember the best parts of your marriage. Remember the skills and positive attributes of the other parent. Your child is one-half mother and one-half father and is a product of the marriage. Share these with your children to build self-esteem and use them constructively.
9.Assure your children that they are not to blame for the break-up and that they are not being rejected or abandoned. Children, especially the young ones, often mistakenly feel they have done something wrong and believe that the problems in the family are the result of their own misdeeds. Small children may feel that some action or secret wish of theirs has caused the trouble between their parents. Explain to them that there are other children whose parents have been divorced and that they are not going to lose their mom or dad.
10.Continuing anger or bitterness toward your former partner can injure your children far more than the dissolution itself. The feelings you show are more important than the words you use. Watch your body language, tone of voice, as well as what you say.
11.Refrain from voicing criticism of the other parent. It is difficult, but absolutely necessary. For a child's healthy development, it is important for him to respect both parents and believe both parents respect each other, even if that is not the truth.
12.Do not force or encourage your children to take sides. To do so encourages frustration, guilt and resentment.
13. Allow your children to be children. Do not confide in them, whatever their age.
14.Try not to upset the children's routine too abruptly. Children need a sense of continuity and it is disturbing to them if they must cope with too many changes all at once.
15.Dissolution of marriage often leads to financial pressures on both parents. Do not discuss finances with the children. Never mention payment or non-payment of support.
16.Marriage breakdown is always hard on the children. They may not always show their distress or realize at first what this will mean to them. Parents should be direct and simple in telling children what is happening and why, and in a way a child can understand and digest. This will vary with the circumstances and with each child’s age and comprehension. The worst course is to try to hush things up and make a child feel he or she must not talk or even think about what he or she sees is going on. The child must be allowed to express unhappy feelings. If the child asks questions, explanations should be brief, prompt, direct, and honest.
17.The guilt parents may feel about the marriage breakdown may interfere in their disciplining the children. A child needs consistent control and direction. Either permissiveness or indecisive parents, who leave a child at the mercy of every passing whim and impulse, interfere with a child's healthy development. Children need and want to know quite clearly what is expected of them. Children need leadership and sometimes authority. Parents must be ready to say “NO” when necessary.
18.Do not overlook the fact that you are only human and admit it. You will not be able to make a 100% score on being the perfect parent (no one ever does in good or bad times). When in your attempts, acknowledge it and resolve to attempt to improve day by day.
19. Offer the children the opportunity for professional assistance. That this is okay and normal. That it will be confidential. That the parents have this help.
20. Attend the Parents and Divorce parenting class as soon as possible. Read books on children and divorce. See the suggested reading list below. Join a support group.
21.READ AND REREAD these basic guidelines. Add to them by writing down your own constructive positive approaches to the handling of your new way of living.
Books for yourself:
Mom’s House, Dad’s House, Ricci
Stepping Back From Anger: Protecting Your Children During Divorce. A.A.M.L. publication call to order 1-800-422-6595
How to Survive the Loss of A Love. Colgrave, Bloomfield and McWilliams
Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In. Fisher and Ury
Helping Your Kids Cope With Divorce the Sandcastles Way. Neuman
Growing up Divorced: How to Help Your Child Cope With Every Stage—From Infancy Through the Teens. Franke
Why Good Parents Have Bad Kids. Hayes
101 Ways to Be a Long-Distance Super Dad or Mom. $9.95 (520) 325-1224
(includes ways to create rituals and memories in the same house too!)
The Good Marriage. Wallerstein
You Just Don’t Understand: Women and Men in Conversation. Tannen
The Family Puzzle: A Guide to Parenting the Blended Family. Palmer
Whose kid is it Anyway and over 400 Other Questions for Divorcing, Dating, and Remarried Families. Sabo, Gershman, and Waxman
For your children:
The Kids’ Book of Divorce, By, For and About Kids. Rofes
